When I was 17 years old and in between my junior and senior year of high school, I got the experience of a lifetime (or that’s how I see it). I got the opportunity to go to a month long summer program called TGSAS-Tennessee Governor’s School for the Agriculture Sciences. I was on top of the world. No one at my school had ever gotten to go to the Agriculture program before and it was just an amazing feeling when I got accepted. 500 Miles away from home. I was ready. Not only did I receive college credit, but I met some amazing people. I learned so much in that month’s time and will hopefully never forget it.
Fast forward, say 6 months. I was on Facebook and I get a message from one of the guys that happened to be one of my counselors at TGSAS. He started flirting with me and all that good stuff that girls just love. (he was 21 and I was 18). I thought it was cute and I was really liking the attention because I had been having guy problems and no one ever really paid me much attention. Long/Short story short, we started talking a lot and we eventually started dating after a few days. He lived in Benton, TN which was about 4 1/2 hours from where I lived. Oh, it was going to work. I fell so hard and so fast for this guy that I didn’t know which end was up. My parents did not like this. I was constantly on the phone and had removed myself from most of the things I was interested in prior. It was stressful being in a long distance relationship, but I was bound and determined to make it work. I mean I did cry a lot and fuss and fight with Nicholas and my parents a lot. But that was just how it had to be. They didn’t understand what I was going through and my mom was having a lot of hormonal problems. It was all going to be worth it in the end.
He had Graduated from UTM which was where we had first met at TGSAS. So, after juggling where I was going to go to college, I finally decided Martin was the place for me. I felt good about going there because I had some of my friends and his friends became my friends. Life was getting better. or so I thought. Looking back now, I overlooked a lot of things. He hated for me to go out with my friends. I was never a partier, the only things we liked to do was simple-go-out-and-hang things. He thought guys would be there and I would cheat on him. I’m not a cheater. Never have and never will. I don’t think it is ever acceptable. Also, if I didn’t answer his texts within 5 minutes, all Hell would break lose. I was blind to those things, but regardless, on November 23rd he proposed. Knowing my parents would have a fit and that it was the worse possible time, I couldn’t say no. I didn’t tell them for a month because I new it would be bad. He yelled at me so much because I was, as he thought, ashamed of him. That was far from the case. I loved him with all my heart! I wanted to be with him and have everyone support our love. But they didn’t. They never would and it killed me. When I finally told my parents, My mom was so angry. My Dad was sad. And my grandparents told me that it would be up to me to marry whoever I wanted. At least I had their blessing. Things got better in some ways but worse in others. As the year 2011 progressed, Nicholas and I were fighting a lot more. We had good times of course, I wouldn’t have stayed with him if there weren’t any good times. I wasn’t that weak. We broke up for a few days because I was still fighting with my mom. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t eat. It was just pathetic. Why was I this weak person? He swore he loved me and would do anything for me. He said he wanted to be with me more than anything and that I was his everything. he was my everything. I had given him everything I could give him.
That September, i started my 2 year at Martin. Things were getting better but because we still couldn’t be together more than a few days at a time, we were on edge. It was a weekly thing that he wanted me to move closer. He had bought us a starter house and he was ready to be married. Sure I was, but I had things to get done. He got 4 years of college to live. I wanted my chance. I feel like every other day got worse once I got fully moved in. He hated my friends. They honestly weren’t that bad. or at least, not to his concern. They never once got me in any kind of trouble. They say that trust is the key to a successful relationship. That and communication. I knew we had that. or so we thought. Finding out that your fiance had lied to you from the beginning is a slap in the face. Was I never good enough for the truth? Did you think it was okay to lie to me when you hate lairs? I felt so dirty and betrayed. Needless to say, I couldn’t get over that.
I had got a job… I had to get one, and that made things worse. I’m serious, I have never had more screaming matches with anyone in my life. I hated it. My suitemates hated it because they knew I was miserable. One day one of the girls looked at me and said, “It’s been over for awhile, you need to just let this go.” She was right. I couldn’t take the fighting anymore. I couldn’t be completely honest with him because he would bite my head off. But I still loved him so much. With all my heart and soul. But I had to stop fighting. So I ended it. I cried and told him that I couldn’t fight with him anymore. If God wanted us together, he would give us a sign. I never meant forever. That was November 1st 2011.
I honestly didn’t cry. I was numb. I immediately indulged in my comfort food. Fruit. And lots of it. For the first time in almost 2 years, Nicholas didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know what he was thinking. We weren’t talking. I knew him. I knew that within a day or so, he would call me and we would talk it out and get back together. He loved me. He wouldn’t just let me go without a fight. I was so wrong. I waited a week before I couldn’t take the waiting anymore. I called him and he wouldn’t answer. Text was the only way to go. Turns out he didn’t want to get back together. I did this and I was going to have to suffer. What? Just like that? After everything I had done for him. After everything I had given him. He’s just done. He doesn’t even fight for me? What kind of man does that? First I find out you lied to me and now you just don’t give a damn anymore? If this was meant to be payback for breaking things off, he succeeded. You know how girls are. We think too much. Along with that, I bottle some things up. I hate to complain about the same things continuously. So I didn’t cry until about a month later. He didn’t want me. He didn’t care. The person that had become my best friend abandoned me without a fight. If you love someone, you are supposed to fight to make things work. Always. He wouldn’t have anything to do with me. So, yes, I went off the deep end. I used anything that I could to numb the pain. (Not drugs though, I was upset but not that stupid.) I had my friends. My best best guy friend at the time helped me most. He was 500 miles away but he listened to me. He helped me stay calm enough to not do anything too stupid. I did go a little crazy, but that’s typical when you don’t have any closure. But then one day in the Summer of 2012, I looked at myself in the mirror. There was no more fire in my eyes. They were dull. I wasn’t me. I hadn’t been me in a long time. U had felt anger towards Nicholas for a long time. For all the things he put me through. But now my blindness was cured. He changed me and I didn’t like what I saw looking back at me. This love that I thought we had made me weak and I had settled for what I had but had never striven to make it better. I tossed in the towel. I put our pictures out of sight. Everything that reminded me of him was slowly fading into a memory. I was determined to be the woman I needed to be. I didn’t need a guy to make me happy. I never had. I didn’t want someone who wanted me to have bigger boobs. I didn’t want someone who hated my family or where I lived. I didn’t want someone who wanted everything their way and never liked what I loved. That would be unacceptable.
When I first found out we weren’t getting back together, I offered to give my engagement ring back to him. He refused. He said it was mine. But I did still have his class ring and I needed to give it back. It wasn’t mine and I had no reason to keep it. So, one day in October 2012 I text him. It had been months since I tried talking to him last but I hadn’t spoke to him at all since January. I told him I wasn’t trying to start anything but I had to send him some of his things and I wanted to make sure he got it so I needed an address. For the first time in almost a year, I got a decent reply and a heartfelt ‘I Miss You’. My heart stopped. I had waited so long to hear those words. Memories came rushing back. I felt like things were looking up finally! But I had smarted up. I knew better than to get my hopes up. After all, I had been broken and spent a long time getting myself back together. I couldn’t do that again. I deserved better than that. But I couldn’t help but think this could be better the second time. I told him I wasn’t going to lie to him so I told him all about my past 11 months without him. I got cussed and called a whore. I cussed him and even though I never flat out blamed him, I told him if he would have just talked to be instead of being an arrogant asshole, I would have been a whole lot calmer. I knew this wasn’t going to work. too much had been said. too many actions had taken place to go back to the way it was. It didn’t feel the same. He wasn’t the person I fell in love with. Pus, he would never let my past go. He would hold it over my head even though it hurt me to even think about some of the things I had done. But I was there. I was back to being the girl he talked to. Maybe this was what I was meant to do. Maybe he was the one that I was meant to be with. He’s a good person deep down, but he doesn’t fit with me. I’m stronger than he thinks. I can be without him. When I told him I wasn’t ever going back to him. He was so upset. But he knew he screwed up. The first time he didn’t fight for me. The second time, he put me on strings and made me dance. Then, he got what was coming to him. Someone else stole my heart. And no matter what happens, I’m never going back. <3